Praying For Haiti

Tonight I received several different text messages from my husband stating how sad he is for the people in Haiti. Dustin has been reading different articles, seeing pictures of children, and looking at the wreckage from the 7.0 earthquake on January 12.



As my text messages were coming in, my husband was saying how badly he wishes he could protect some of the small children who are suffering so terribly. He went on to tell me that babies, five and six months old, don't even have a name, they have numbers. They are in desperate need of placing children into homes, trying to get children into hospitals where they can be taken care of, children who are suffering from dehydration, starvation, injuries, and the list goes on.



I sat there looking at pictures, that literally brought tears to my eyes and made my stomach turn, of the people in Haiti. The hell they are living through, makes me truly wonder how would I survive...Honestly, I don't think I would. To have enough belief in life to get up and keep going the next day, while seeing your world in shambles, blows me away. My heart truly aches for this country, these people and their children.



I began to do some research, as my husband had asked, to see if we could find a way to get involved in adopting one or two of these children. Here is what I could find. It looks like all adoptions have been closed for now. It also appears that the United States is trying to get a grant past, where some of the funding and expense will be provided if you are willing to adopt a child. However, until further notice, this is not an option.



Now, I understand the desire to want to reunite these children with family. I would pray someone would take the time to look for Carter's family. Having said that, there are over a million children right now, who they know need to be placed into orphanages or homes. Yet as these children are suffering they are closing the door to adoptive families. I am not advocating for anybody to be able to step in and adopt. However, I do feel like if you have a current home study, and can get your paperwork together, people should be able to step in and start taking some of these children into our homes.



Dustin and I have wanted more children ever since we were placed with Carter. We have never closed our adoption doors because we believe we have more children coming to us. To hear there are so many babies and children in desperate need of a family, and to know we are a family who would love to have more children, is heartbreaking. Dustin said to me tonight, I fear agencies are going to try to make a fortune out of a crisis. Now, I hadn't really thought that way, but after he said that, it literally made me ill to believe that may be exactly what happens. There are so many families who want children and are willing to pay to get them, yet don't have the financial means to do so. It is unfair that money becomes an issue that stops families from being able to find one another. If you hear of ways to get involved in adopting some of these children, please let me know immediately. Dustin and I truly are trying to find a way to bring one or two of these little ones home.



I pray some how, through the madness and hell Haiti is going through, the people can find some sort of comfort in their grief. I pray for the families who are searching for their loved ones, God bless you in your search. I pray that the grant goes through, where some of the finance becomes available to help adoptive families be placed with some of these children who are living an absolute nightmare. My heart truly aches for all those people in Haiti and what they are going through tonight.



I usually don't look at the articles and pictures after tragedies such as this. I find it very hard for me to deal with this type of disaster mentally and imagine what it would be like to see suffering such as this. Tonight I am humbled by it all. I like to bitch about my year so far, and tonight, I would like to apologize for all of my whining. My life is good. I have an amazing husband who brings these thoughts to my attention. I have the world's sweetest baby boy tucked safely in his bed sound asleep. I have a family who supports me and a job that provides for me. Tonight I am humbled. Tonight I am blessed. Tonight...I am grateful for exactly where my life is.

Continuing to Play Around

On Saturday Dustin and I attended a close friends birthday party for their children. While we were there, I decided it would be fun to kind of play around with my camera. The room had quite a bit of natural light, but my only frustration with that is if the flash isn't open, the motion stabilizer doesn't work so my pictures come out blurry. Anyway, here are a couple more of me experimenting. Thanks for all of the suggestions, I plan on working on them, and possibly taking a class with Ally!

Transition Bed

Once Dustin and I found out we were pregnant, we decided Carter was ready for his toddler bed. We kept saying we were going to transition him over, but had yet to do it. Today, I said something to Carter about getting rid of his baby bed, and Dustin agreed it was time.

Dustin went into Peanuts room and within 20 minutes had taken down the crib side, and transitioned it into the toddler bed. Well, Carter was in there with us, and he was so excited. He kept saying, "me, bed." Once we got his bedskirt back on and the mattress put down, Carter could not wait to get into his new big boy bed. We brought in a pillow and he was in awe.

About an hour later, we put Carter in his new bed for nap time. The big question being would he stay in there. I refused to go check, so he cried for a minute and then it was quiet. When he woke up, I went in and he was still in his bed! Hooray! We are very excited for him and can't believe our little man is no longer in a crib.

A Few Quirks About Me...

Tonight, I am cleaning my kitchen and I literally giggled out loud thinking about a comment my sister said to me tonight. Which then had a chain reaction to how weird and quirky I am, and I have decided to jot some of them down because I truly am a special kind of person. LOL!!!

Stacy and I were sitting in the her kitchen talking about how much I enjoy sex on the beach...the drink of course. I am sitting there explaining to her what goes into the drink, and one of the mixes is peach schnapps. She goes onto tell me how she doesn't like artificial peach. This is a fact I didn't know about her, but I don't like artificial peach, anymore, either. I told her I didn't and the memory that went with peach, and she said to me, "Lindsey, you are able to associate anything with something." Well, I hadn't really thought much about this before but I really do.

I smell an old cologne, and I think of my first boyfriend. I hear a song, and I think about a night at Applebee's where a group of boys sang out loud. I see a sign and think of how many memories I had at a certain restaurant from college. I see a full moon with orange tint and think of a kiss I shared with my first love, and the butterflies I got. I drive past a street and think about a neighbor in Logan who I am pretty sure was supposed to seduce me to his tree-house in Hawaii...at least he said he had one there.

It is crazy how much unimportant events I remember. However, saying that all of those events are so important to me, they are my life and moments in time that I really do treasure. Now there are times I wish I remembered more important things like history so I could have past my history tests! I was big on writing in a journal in high school. I recently came across them, and in reading them, I wonder if I remember so much from that time in my life because of me writing it down. I so wish I would have written in my journals more in college, because I had such a great time with so many people, and I am saddened to know I won't remember it all.

Back in my kitchen...I am cloroxing my counters as I am remembering how weird I am, and wanting to bitch about cleaning, I think of something else. I am truly not a wifey-wife! I honestly would usually rather spend a day at work vs spending a couple hours cleaning my house. I hate folding laundry and putting the clothes away, and I feel like cleaning is truly never ending. I made a new years resolution to clean one thing in my house everyday to try to keep things neater. Well, I have done that, but I have YET to have my entire house clean. It's like my new years resolution should have been to clean my entire house every day. BLAH!!! It's for the damn birds.

I have blogged about this next one before, but it truly drives me crazy. I LOVE staying in touch with people from my past. I still talk to friends from high school, my best friend from elementary is still my best friend. I keep in touch with my ex-boyfriends mom, and my list goes on and on and on. I truly value the people who have and are in my life and I hate letting them go. I just feel like at some point in my life all of these people were important to me and I want to know how they are doing and be able to hang out....I know weird right!?!?! Try being me!!!!

Anyway, that is enough of my weirdness tonight. LOL...Thanks S for making me giggle on me being so weird!

I Want to Learn

I have come across a friends family blog, and in looking at it the other day, I noticed how amazing some of her pictures are. I have been talking about wanting to learn how to take better pictures but I have no idea how. I have always loved pictures and taken a bunch of them, but they are never like wowsers.



I decided to e-mail her and just tell her how incredible I thought her pictures were. Well, she was very sweet and e-mailed me back expressing her love for photography and how she just takes thousands of pictures and hopes to get a few good ones from there. So, I thought....hmmmm, well I can just start taking pictures. I think I have a fairly nice camera and that is the beauty of digital, I don't have to print every one to see if I like them or not.



I quickly e-mailed her back asking her if she had any tips for me and again, she wrote back. She said to fill a room with natural light and then turn off the flash. I was pretty excited except it is January in Utah and nearly impossible to fill our room with natural light. So, I turned on my regular lights and then played off and on with the flash. I also learned that my motion sensor is my flash, so if Carter is moving and it is down, it won't work. BLAH! Anyway, I played for a little bit and actually had a lot of fun. I got a few pictures and hope to keep getting tricks and become a better photographer so I can be sure to capture some neat moments.



For my first practice shoot, I took about 60 pictures, and out of them all there are 2 that I like and one that is okay. Hmmm.......I have a long way to go. I am excited to hopefully learn this hobby and have something different to experiment with. If you have photography tips, please pass them on.

Take Two!

I had my miscarriage on the sixth of this month, and as I already have stated it was not very pleasant. However, I was in high hopes and kind of understanding, I would be done with pain and back on my feet fairly quickly. Right...oh no, not in my world.

I have been in serious amounts of pain since I was in the emergency room. I have had horrifying abdominal pain and continued to have severe cramping. I called my doctor on Friday and explained to the nurse what I was feeling. I asked they make sure to please call me back, but they didn't. Great, so here came the weekend and I continued to be in pain.

Saturday I never even got out of bed until 3:30 and that was only because Dustin had a work Christmas party we had already paid for. So, I got ready and we went. Within a couple of hours, I was in so much pain, we didn't stay for dancing or anything, we just left. By the time I got home I was on the phone with the emergency room, asking them what to expect. They told me to take my pain pills, lay on a heating pad, and if the pain didn't go away, go into the emergency room. Well, it must have lessened because I ended up falling asleep and slept through the night.

Sunday morning arrived, and I still continued to have abdominal pain. I sat for the majority of the day and by 6:00 pm last night, again I was in so much pain. So, I called my on-call doctor, and she called me back shortly after. I explained to her my circumstances and at first she didn't seem overly worried.

She told me I could wait a few more days and see what happens or she could prescribe me a medication that would complete my miscarriage if it wasn't already. She asked if I had been given an ultrasound after the miscarriage and I said no. Her knowing that made her a little more concerned. She called in some medication and told me to go pick it up and to do both rounds. If my miscarriage wasn't complete I would go back to heavier bleeding, and continue to pass clots.

As I am waiting for my meds at the pharmacy, I decide to ask a couple more questions on the medication. They told me to take the second dose if I needed it. So, I said "Well, how will I know if I need it or not?" The response I receive is..."Oh you'll know!" I then asked them a few more questions and they were unable to give me any answers. In other words the damn pharmacist had no idea what in the hell she was talking about! I was so frustrated I just paid for my pills and left.

When I got home I was very hesitant and anxious to be taking more pills. I have been in so much pain, the thought of triggering more pain was a lot for me to handle. After speaking with Dustin and him doing some research, I took a pain pill and then took the first dose.

Thankfully, my miscarriage was incomplete. After very little sleep last night, I was able to confirm that was the problem and am doing better. I took my final dose at 9a.m. and at this point am feeling better than I have in 6 days. The medication has triggered a headache and I am tired, but FINALLY my abdominal pain is nearly gone.

I am anxiously awaiting getting back to work, and moving on with my life. It has been one hell of a ride.

Rough Day

***This could be a little graphic. I am documenting my feelings and events of my miscarriage.***

On Monday, I had this overwhelming feeling that my pregnancy was over. I was scheduled for our ultrasound today, but truly felt like they were going to tell me nothing was there except a sac. With that feeling came a lot of heartache of what I was going to do. I really struggled with the idea of starting a miscarriage but the idea of continuing to be pregnant with nothing there and risking infection scared me just as much. I mentally was having a very difficult time deciding what it was we would do.

I called my mother in law Monday afternoon and asked her if we could send Carter to Logan on Tuesday. I just said we would then play it by ear, as to what the ultrasound showed, as to when he would come home. She was more than happy to take him and that was a relief.

Tuesday early afternoon, I started spotting, and became pretty positive I would be losing the baby here shortly. I sent Carter to Logan, started researching what to expect with a miscarriage, called my sister and asked her, and began to mentally prepare for it.

Last night at about 9:40, the color changed and it became more evident we would be miscarrying that night. I went to bed, and about 1:20 woke up and went to the restroom, where I began miscarrying. It was pretty painless and I was at peace with it. My sister had kind of explained everything to me that was going on and things were going smoothly. I ran to Wal-Mart and then came home and crawled back into bed to watch a movie.

At about 3:00 am, everything changed. All the sudden I was bleeding so heavily it sounded like a faucet was turned on. I was passing a lot of clots, and in quite a bit of pain. I woke Dustin up and he immediately took me to the Emergency Room at IMC.

I walked in, explained to them what was happening and they took me straight back. I immediately had nurses and doctors beginning to take care of me and make sure I was okay. At this point I was bleeding so heavily, every time my heart beat, I could feel blood come out.

I ended up having an ultrasound that showed I still had a gestational sac. Once I got back the doctors were able to vacuum and help clean things out. I lost a lot of blood and at one point they were preparing me for a transfusion. However, we discussed not giving one to me unless it became life threatening, and after much medication and the doctors truly working on getting my body to slow down they were able to avoid the transfusion.

Once the bleeding and clotting had slowed, they monitored me for about 45 minutes, and decided I could go home. When I stood up to start getting ready I lost all my color and felt like I was going to pass out. I instantly was in so much pain, I couldn't move and very nauseated. So, as I sat in the bathroom the nurse had to come in and give me more pain meds and an anti-nausea. As I walked back to my bed, my world was going in and out of black, and I was sick.

They decided to draw more blood and make sure I now didn't need a transfusion. At one point my blood pressure was 88/39. They had me move around and were able to get it to 104/60. That was a little scary. The pain remained excruciating for another half hour or so, and then all the sudden things calmed down.

I was released from the hospital close to noon, and given specific directions about resting. I am not to go back to work until Monday, and need lots of fluids. I came home and ate soup and then fell asleep for a few hours.

How am I doing? Honestly, mentally I am doing better than I thought. There was no embryo in my sac, which means a baby never formed. I find great comfort in knowing that, and knowing there was nothing there that I lost. The emotion of losing the pregnancy has been rough, but I think in my heart of hearts, after my first ultrasound I knew it was over. So, the last two weeks I have been grieving, and now I am doing okay. I am ever so grateful that my body decided to miscarry naturally. I think if I would have had to make the decision, it would have haunted me as to what I did for a long time. That is really good for me.

Physically, I am still in a lot of pain. I am exhausted and feel like I have been put through the ringer. I had a very severe miscarriage, and it was much more painful and scary then I thought it would be. Now that it is over, I feel like I will heal quickly and be okay.

I believe I have the most amazing husband in the world. I know today was very scary for him and unnerving as there was nothing he could do but watch as I was in so much pain and having doctors trying to determine what to do. He stood by my side the entire time and made sure I received the best service in his power. He has pampered me unconditionally today and has continued to show me everlasting love. While I was having procedures performed, he was on the phone making sure my classroom was taken care of, substitute arrangements were made, principals called, etc. He handled everything today.

Thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so incredibly supportive. The past 7 weeks have been a hell of an emotional roller coaster. I don't think I had any idea what it would all be bringing, but I don't think this was it. I can only hope, my body heals quickly and we are able to end this short chapter of our life soon. Thank you again for the love, you have all made it easier to help cope with our loss.