Reflection

I sit in my bed at 1:35 in the morning. It is officially 2012 and I am swarmed with so many emotions. I have had so many thoughts go through my mind this holiday season...honestly the last 4 months. I have had to come to terms with so many things and challenge myself to continue to keep some sort of stability, not for me but for our son.

In 2011 my family had so much happen, and tonight, I can't help but think how lucky I am to have my friends and family who have supported all of us during this transition. There is no way in hell I would have been able to keep going with out so many people.

I am so sad I didn't blog much the last third of the year. However, in blogging I have to accept the fact that things are not what I had wanted them to be. They are not how the family should have been, so I have found that I have avoided blogging because it's easier to just not.

The end of 2011 for the most part was good. Carter and I, and Dustin and Carter, all began adjusting to the new life. The changes, the schedules, the routines, etc. However, for me, I have had to deal with a void of not having the "family" feeling.I have really missed having the bond that comes with a mom, a dad, and a son living together. Having said that, Dustin and I have remained close and communicate regularly. I can only pray this continues as Carter continues to get older.

Tonight I am ever so grateful that I have a happy, healthy, full of beans 3 year old. He and I definitely have our times but then there are days like today, when everything is just "perfect." There was no fighting, no time out and little sass. It was a day full of love and snuggles and it made me feel like we were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing.

I am so grateful for my family. Every single member has helped me and reached out to me during this time. There have been several times I find I just want to be alone or work through some of these emotions by myself, and they have tried to sit back and let me do it when need be and pulled me in when it probably wasn't best for me to be alone. I am so glad they all know me so well and know when to push and when to let me go.

I am blessed with a support group of friends. They have helped me more than they will ever know. They have called to say hi, taken me out, spent time with me, and when I was ready to start hanging out, they were there. I kind of had to take a step back on some things for a few months and I am so grateful my friends were just right there waiting for me to get back on my feet.

Tonight I have so much hope in what the new year brings. I pray it brings stability. I pray it brings acceptance of the change and ability to start new traditions, schedules, routines, and time spent together. I pray it brings peace, to all of us. I know we have all had our struggles and I feel like we need comfort in knowing we are right where we are supposed to be. I need courage to continue to do what is right for my family and make choices that are going to benefit Carter and I, not be damaging. The unknown is so scary. I have no idea what our future holds, and it is a little nerve racking not to know which direction to go. In speaking with my aunt the other day she said something to me about the future. My reply was something in the words of, "Right now, I focus on getting out of bed, getting ready, taking a breath, and see where the day brings me. That is all I can really do at this point." There is raw truth to that, and for someone who likes to have a pretty good idea on routine and schedule, to have no clue, is super rough.

Here is to 2012. Please be gentle this year. Please bring happiness and comfort to Carter and me. Please help me in making decisions and being there for anything and everything Carter needs. Please help Dustin and I raise a son who knows how much he is loved and continue to let Dustin and I work as a team when it comes to co-parenting our baby. Please watch over all of our loved ones and bless them with health and strength.

Happy New Year to all my friends and family. I hope this is the best one yet!