I sit in my bed at 1:35 in the morning. It is officially 2012 and I am swarmed with so many emotions. I have had so many thoughts go through my mind this holiday season...honestly the last 4 months. I have had to come to terms with so many things and challenge myself to continue to keep some sort of stability, not for me but for our son.
In 2011 my family had so much happen, and tonight, I can't help but think how lucky I am to have my friends and family who have supported all of us during this transition. There is no way in hell I would have been able to keep going with out so many people.
I am so sad I didn't blog much the last third of the year. However, in blogging I have to accept the fact that things are not what I had wanted them to be. They are not how the family should have been, so I have found that I have avoided blogging because it's easier to just not.
The end of 2011 for the most part was good. Carter and I, and Dustin and Carter, all began adjusting to the new life. The changes, the schedules, the routines, etc. However, for me, I have had to deal with a void of not having the "family" feeling.I have really missed having the bond that comes with a mom, a dad, and a son living together. Having said that, Dustin and I have remained close and communicate regularly. I can only pray this continues as Carter continues to get older.
Tonight I am ever so grateful that I have a happy, healthy, full of beans 3 year old. He and I definitely have our times but then there are days like today, when everything is just "perfect." There was no fighting, no time out and little sass. It was a day full of love and snuggles and it made me feel like we were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing.
I am so grateful for my family. Every single member has helped me and reached out to me during this time. There have been several times I find I just want to be alone or work through some of these emotions by myself, and they have tried to sit back and let me do it when need be and pulled me in when it probably wasn't best for me to be alone. I am so glad they all know me so well and know when to push and when to let me go.
I am blessed with a support group of friends. They have helped me more than they will ever know. They have called to say hi, taken me out, spent time with me, and when I was ready to start hanging out, they were there. I kind of had to take a step back on some things for a few months and I am so grateful my friends were just right there waiting for me to get back on my feet.
Tonight I have so much hope in what the new year brings. I pray it brings stability. I pray it brings acceptance of the change and ability to start new traditions, schedules, routines, and time spent together. I pray it brings peace, to all of us. I know we have all had our struggles and I feel like we need comfort in knowing we are right where we are supposed to be. I need courage to continue to do what is right for my family and make choices that are going to benefit Carter and I, not be damaging. The unknown is so scary. I have no idea what our future holds, and it is a little nerve racking not to know which direction to go. In speaking with my aunt the other day she said something to me about the future. My reply was something in the words of, "Right now, I focus on getting out of bed, getting ready, taking a breath, and see where the day brings me. That is all I can really do at this point." There is raw truth to that, and for someone who likes to have a pretty good idea on routine and schedule, to have no clue, is super rough.
Here is to 2012. Please be gentle this year. Please bring happiness and comfort to Carter and me. Please help me in making decisions and being there for anything and everything Carter needs. Please help Dustin and I raise a son who knows how much he is loved and continue to let Dustin and I work as a team when it comes to co-parenting our baby. Please watch over all of our loved ones and bless them with health and strength.
Happy New Year to all my friends and family. I hope this is the best one yet!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Letter 1: A Letter To My Big Sis
Dear S,
It is that time of year again, and I have decided to participate in another year of taking the time to write one person a week, during the month of November, who I am thankful for. I feel like you are the perfect person to start this year out with.
Since June I feel like my life has been a little crazy. From finding out I was pregnant, to then quickly losing my pregnancy, to deciding that Dustin and I needed to separate and eventually divorce, I feel like I have had been on one hell of an emotional ride. With you, you have been one of the few people I have found myself really leaning on and telling so much to. For that I am so grateful to have you. You help keep me positive and help me believe that the direction I am moving towards is a direction I can handle and enjoy.
Being my older sister we have definitely had our fair share of bumping heads and not agreeing with each other. But I am so glad that I have had you as my sister. When we get together with the Murray Gang, I frequently think about the times you and I would spend with that same group 14 years ago, and I love that you and I have those memories of doing it together. I am so glad we have a group of friends that are common so we get to spend time together outside of our regular family gatherings.
You have also saved me when it comes to Carter. I know there are days that he is a handful and challenges your every nerve. But, I am ALWAYS so grateful to know my little boy is safe and in hands that I trust. I know you would never let anything happen to my baby and that you provide him with structure, love, friends, and security. Thank you so much for being so willing to take him in during the days that Dustin and I are working and for being such a large part in my child’s life.
There’s so much more I am grateful for when it comes to you. You know when to just let me walk away and you know when to keep pushing me until I finally tell you what is on my mind. There are days that I may want to hurt ya for that, but I always think in the long run, I am glad we talked.
Thank you again for all you do. I am so glad I have you as not only my sister but as my friend. I really think the past year or so would have been so much more difficult if I didn’t have the love and support from you on a regular basis. I know I make decisions that not everyone agrees with, but I also know I can always talk to you about it, and even if you don’t agree, you will listen.
I love you S!!!
Your Sis,
Lindsey
I Am Thankful
Last year I partcipated in this amazing challenge. I wrote a letter to one person a week thanking them and explaining to them what it is I am thankful for. I loved it. The feeling I received when I told them just how much they mean to me was so great, that I have decided to link up and do it again this year.
Please consider the challenge. I will be sharing my letter's each Thursday through out the month.
HAPPY NOVEMBER!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Carter-isms
There are so many things I have had Carter say or do over the past couple months, I want to jot down some of my favorites so I don't forget how precious our little man is at the bright age of 3!
***One day I was crying and Carter came up to me and said, "Mom, why is the rain touching your eyes? My heart melted, the tears turned to happy tears, and I felt blessed to have him be the most important boy in my life.
***The other night we had gotten home and were walking in to the house. As we were walking around the car, Carter says, "Mom! Look, its my star!" I said, "Which one?" He says, "the bright one, right next to yours." I LOVED IT!
***Carter asks every night if he can snuggle in mine or Dustin's bed. He loves to unwind with Dora or Bupple Guppies, a sippie of milk, and some one on one time with mom or dad.
***Carter is becoming very independent. Now when he gets into his car seat he LOVES to snap the top part of his carseat, and I will snap in the bottom. He thinks he is so big when he can do it all alone.
***We will be driving down the street, listening to the radio, and Carter will say, "Mom, please up!" This is only when he LOVES the music. However, if he does not like the song, he says. "NO!!! NOT THIS ONE!!! CHANGE IT NOW!!!...please!" And on most of the songs, I couldn't agree with him more! LOL
***Carter is able to communicate which parent he wants to spend the night with. I cannot tell you how nice this is, because he is able to express his needs and desires.
***One day I was crying and Carter came up to me and said, "Mom, why is the rain touching your eyes? My heart melted, the tears turned to happy tears, and I felt blessed to have him be the most important boy in my life.
***The other night we had gotten home and were walking in to the house. As we were walking around the car, Carter says, "Mom! Look, its my star!" I said, "Which one?" He says, "the bright one, right next to yours." I LOVED IT!
***Carter asks every night if he can snuggle in mine or Dustin's bed. He loves to unwind with Dora or Bupple Guppies, a sippie of milk, and some one on one time with mom or dad.
***Carter is becoming very independent. Now when he gets into his car seat he LOVES to snap the top part of his carseat, and I will snap in the bottom. He thinks he is so big when he can do it all alone.
***We will be driving down the street, listening to the radio, and Carter will say, "Mom, please up!" This is only when he LOVES the music. However, if he does not like the song, he says. "NO!!! NOT THIS ONE!!! CHANGE IT NOW!!!...please!" And on most of the songs, I couldn't agree with him more! LOL
***Carter is able to communicate which parent he wants to spend the night with. I cannot tell you how nice this is, because he is able to express his needs and desires.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Late Summer Concert Series
The end of August, first of September, my gang and I hit a bunch of concerts. They turned out to be so fun and the music was pretty good.
The first one we went to was Adelle. This was August 22 at the Gallivan Center. We found a trick to park in a garage and watch from there. Sounds a little wierd, but it was so fun! PLUS, we got to sit in our lawn chairs, talk, listen to the music perfectly, and could even see the stage.
The next concert was the one we had been waiting for the longest. Brad, Kris, and I went to Def Leppard and Heart. I don't know a bunch of the Def Leppard songs, but Heart is one of my favorites. Plus, they played my VERY favorite song, "Alone!" Kristie didn't know as much Heart, but killed it when it came to Def Leppard. The concert turned out to be so fun and the evening was beautiful.
After that Brad and I went to Willie Nelson at the Gallivan Center. Again, in the parking garage. However, this time the crowd was a lot more abnoxious, the music not as loud, and the screens weren't down. So, about an hour into it, we left and went and got some Cold Stone ice cream instead.
The final concert was Wilson Phillips. I LOVE this band, and have since I was a wee one. So, the day of, I sent Tyler to go get us tickets. They were playing at the fair, and the concert was free but you had to get tickets. Ty went and we were thrilled. As we walked in we were taken to our seats. Turns out we had seventh row seats and right in the middle. IT WAS AMAZING!! I love their music and had such a good time.
The concerts have been a blast, and it was so fun to be to so many in such a short amount of time. We don't have any planned for now, but I hear Air Supply in January may be calling our names!
The first one we went to was Adelle. This was August 22 at the Gallivan Center. We found a trick to park in a garage and watch from there. Sounds a little wierd, but it was so fun! PLUS, we got to sit in our lawn chairs, talk, listen to the music perfectly, and could even see the stage.
The next concert was the one we had been waiting for the longest. Brad, Kris, and I went to Def Leppard and Heart. I don't know a bunch of the Def Leppard songs, but Heart is one of my favorites. Plus, they played my VERY favorite song, "Alone!" Kristie didn't know as much Heart, but killed it when it came to Def Leppard. The concert turned out to be so fun and the evening was beautiful.
After that Brad and I went to Willie Nelson at the Gallivan Center. Again, in the parking garage. However, this time the crowd was a lot more abnoxious, the music not as loud, and the screens weren't down. So, about an hour into it, we left and went and got some Cold Stone ice cream instead.
The final concert was Wilson Phillips. I LOVE this band, and have since I was a wee one. So, the day of, I sent Tyler to go get us tickets. They were playing at the fair, and the concert was free but you had to get tickets. Ty went and we were thrilled. As we walked in we were taken to our seats. Turns out we had seventh row seats and right in the middle. IT WAS AMAZING!! I love their music and had such a good time.
The concerts have been a blast, and it was so fun to be to so many in such a short amount of time. We don't have any planned for now, but I hear Air Supply in January may be calling our names!
My 29th Birthday
I celebrated the big 2-9 this year, and it was a different birthday. During school it was a lot of fun. My kids are darling and make it all worth while. I had a student bring me a cupcake, another a card, many sang happy birthday, and they were fun.
I then went and picked up my Little Man from Stac and headed home to get ready. I am not sure what happened exactly, but a funk took over and the rest of the day was kind of Bleh.
I met my mom, Gar, Stac, Bri, Coli, and Audra at the Old Spaghetti Factory for dinner. Stacy made a beautiful cake for me and we enjoyed our dinner.
I received new bedding and pillows from them and I must say I LOVE IT!
After dinner I took Carter over to his dad's and then talked to my little sister. My mom had given me a mushy card, which started a tear fest at dinner that was then hard to get under control, unfortunately.
I ended up going with Nathan and Brad to About Time, for a little bit. When I walked in, Nathan had the entire area sing happy birthday to me. It was completley mortifying, but very nice. The boys and I hung out for about an hour and then called it a night.
So...here is to 29. It is SO wierd to be in the position I am in, but I am good. I am very unsure of what lies ahead for this upcoming year, but I am not scared and I am curious as to what will be. Thank you to all who wished me a happy birthday, that was probably the best part of the day. I know I am a pretty lucky girl, with some AMAZING family and friends.
I then went and picked up my Little Man from Stac and headed home to get ready. I am not sure what happened exactly, but a funk took over and the rest of the day was kind of Bleh.
I met my mom, Gar, Stac, Bri, Coli, and Audra at the Old Spaghetti Factory for dinner. Stacy made a beautiful cake for me and we enjoyed our dinner.
I received new bedding and pillows from them and I must say I LOVE IT!
After dinner I took Carter over to his dad's and then talked to my little sister. My mom had given me a mushy card, which started a tear fest at dinner that was then hard to get under control, unfortunately.
I ended up going with Nathan and Brad to About Time, for a little bit. When I walked in, Nathan had the entire area sing happy birthday to me. It was completley mortifying, but very nice. The boys and I hung out for about an hour and then called it a night.
So...here is to 29. It is SO wierd to be in the position I am in, but I am good. I am very unsure of what lies ahead for this upcoming year, but I am not scared and I am curious as to what will be. Thank you to all who wished me a happy birthday, that was probably the best part of the day. I know I am a pretty lucky girl, with some AMAZING family and friends.
Dance Begins
On September 14, Carter began his first dance class, and let me tell you what...IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN ANY CUTER!!!
For those of you who know Carter, you KNOW he loves to "Booty Shake." So, when the music starts, the kid can't help but dance.
He is taking a hip hop class with his cousin Madisyn and we can't wait to see the two of them in their first dance recital. It will be AMAZING!
Carter did well for his first class. We need to work on him listening, following directions, and staying on his sticker, but I think the improvement will come naturally. As for me, I have to stay out of the window...Turns out I am the biggest distraction there is!
Once we left he told Dustin and I, "Me LOVE my dance class!"
We are so proud of our Lil Man.
For those of you who know Carter, you KNOW he loves to "Booty Shake." So, when the music starts, the kid can't help but dance.
He is taking a hip hop class with his cousin Madisyn and we can't wait to see the two of them in their first dance recital. It will be AMAZING!
Carter did well for his first class. We need to work on him listening, following directions, and staying on his sticker, but I think the improvement will come naturally. As for me, I have to stay out of the window...Turns out I am the biggest distraction there is!
Once we left he told Dustin and I, "Me LOVE my dance class!"
We are so proud of our Lil Man.
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