In Memory Of....

Today is a very special day for me, it is my god-son's birthday. I wanted to take a moment and write about him, because I don't want him to ever think I have forgotten him. So, in his honor, I am going to tell his story.

Five years ago today was one of the scariest, yet most anticipated, happiest days of my younger life. On March 31, 2004 Dominic Paul Roll was born. My best friend Ashley and I had been shopping at Payless about 9 months before and called to get the results of a pregnancy test she had taken just on a whim. The nurse told her the test had come back positive. She hung up and immediately called again. Again, the nurse told her she was pregnant. I truly thought Ash was pulling my chain, so I called and the nurse said to me, "Honey, I'm sorry the test is positive...You are pregnant!"

Well, Ash was in tears, and I was in shock. We weren't really expecting her to be pregnant! So, the first thing that came to my mind was to say, "CONGRATULATIONS, you are going to be a mommy!" In my head I am thinking, "What in the hell are we going to do, we are only 20, the dad is not worth a damn, and Ash is going to have a baby!"

But, we took the results and never looked back. The father didn't want anything to do with Ashley or the baby, so I was fortunate enough to kind of fill in that place. I talked to Ashley every day, talked to the belly every day, went to the doctors with her when I could, went to fetal photo on her 21st birthday and found out "we" were having a boy. We decided on the name Dominic and Paul as a middle name after Nathan. Then it became a hurray up and wait for the baby to get here.

At about 6 months Ashley was at a routine ultra-sound, and they detected Dominic had a heart problem. They told her his heart was growing on the outside of his body. They suggested an abortion, but told her she could keep the baby til term if she wanted but the chances of him surviving were not real high.

Ashley hesitated for about one night, and after a dream and some serious contemplation, she determined she was going to finish out this pregnancy and give Dominic a fighting chance. It was really scary for her, but she was radiant and took great care of herself and her body while she was pregnant. They told her she would have to have a c-section because the thin layer of skin, protecting the heart, could tear if she gave birth vaginally. They then told us March 31, would be the day.

So, that morning I was in Logan going to school. I went and did my practicum and took off at 10:15, I had to make it to the U of U by 12 if I wanted to see Ashley before the baby was born. The whole time I was driving, I kept thinking, "Please let this little boy live, but please don't let it be a life of suffering." I don't remember very many times feeling this worried.

I got to the U and met my sisters and Ashley there. We did pictures and tried to keep the conversation light, because we had no idea what the next few hours would bring. When it was time for Ash to go have her baby there were so many emotions. I just looked at her and said, "You can do this, I'll see you when you get out."

About 30 minutes later, a life flight team, wheeled Dominic out. He was 8 lbs 4 oz, I think, and 21 inches long. He looked very healthy, except for the little heart that was beating on the outside of his skin, where his belly button should be.

Dominic lived for 12 days. He was a hell of a fighter and gave us such joy. After meeting after meeting, and the toughest decisions of Ashley's life, they took him off of life support on Easter. Dom passed away 12 hours later.

I don't know if anyone will ever quite understand how much defining and growing up Ashley and I did those nine months. We truly began to realize the heartache and the joy life can bring. Dominic holds a very special place in all of the hearts he touched. He was a beautiful little boy with a spirit so strong. He was sent here with a purpose and I know he filled it.

Dominic, Happy 5th birthday! I can't believe you would have been five today! The time has gone by quickly but the void in our hearts will never be filled. Please watch over your mom today, as she continues to struggle dealing with your birthday. I love you and hope you are playing in fields of grass to celebrate your day! Happy birthday baby boy, I love you!