Time To ReVamp

If you have been one of my blog readers for the past year, you will know I lost my pregnancy a year ago this past week. Right after my miscarriage, I got back on my HCG diet immediately to try to get some of the weight I had gained back off. I did one round and then decided to wait until the summer was over.

Well, then it was fall and I couldn't bring myself to start back up. Somewhere in the middle of the summer I got off all my meds and wouldn't refill them. I swore I would when school started. Then it became to close to the holidays to start, and the excuses go on and on. I could see negative effects in my body and myself, but I wouldn't go to my doctor, I wouldn't do anything. I am finally able to admit to why, and now the repercussions of this are back and on my plate to deal with...AGAIN!

I have a lot of thoughts that the reason my pregnancy ended was due to the medication I was taking prior to me finding out I was pregnant. One was not a healthy medication to be on during pregnancy and I cannot help but wonder if that is what caused my miscarriage. So, I stopped taking it, even after I lost the baby. I got back on for a few months,but when it was up, I stopped.

I know these meds help a great deal with my poly cystic ovarian syndrome and my thyroid. But I am finally going to admit, the reason why I haven't been taking them is because I was hoping to get pregnant, and didn't want to have to question if I were to lose another pregnancy that it was due to my meds. So, I stopped. Not smart. Not under medical advice. I did it by myself.

Unfortunately, I have not gotten pregnant. But what has happened, is I have royally screwed up my body, I think. I have gained a lot of the weight I had lost back, my body isn't as healthy as it was, and I am sick about it. I know I did it to myself, and I should know better. So, now I have the repercussions of my decisions.

So, tomorrow, I am going to try to call my doctor. I am going to try to get an appointment for as soon as I can. I am going to have to face her, much heavier than I was, and I am going to have to explain myself. I am not looking forward to that. But, I am going to start taking my meds and not worry about getting pregnant. I have accepted not being able to conceive a child before and I will again. I have a beautiful 2 year old Little Man who needs a healthy mom. He is here now and ready for me in full strides.

I have started the gym. I will begin my meds. I will stop drinking diet coke. And I will seriously consider a few more rounds of HCG. Summer is 5 months away, and I am ready to kick its ass!

Here is to no more excuses and no more pity! Here is to a happier, healthier me!

Take Two!

I had my miscarriage on the sixth of this month, and as I already have stated it was not very pleasant. However, I was in high hopes and kind of understanding, I would be done with pain and back on my feet fairly quickly. Right...oh no, not in my world.

I have been in serious amounts of pain since I was in the emergency room. I have had horrifying abdominal pain and continued to have severe cramping. I called my doctor on Friday and explained to the nurse what I was feeling. I asked they make sure to please call me back, but they didn't. Great, so here came the weekend and I continued to be in pain.

Saturday I never even got out of bed until 3:30 and that was only because Dustin had a work Christmas party we had already paid for. So, I got ready and we went. Within a couple of hours, I was in so much pain, we didn't stay for dancing or anything, we just left. By the time I got home I was on the phone with the emergency room, asking them what to expect. They told me to take my pain pills, lay on a heating pad, and if the pain didn't go away, go into the emergency room. Well, it must have lessened because I ended up falling asleep and slept through the night.

Sunday morning arrived, and I still continued to have abdominal pain. I sat for the majority of the day and by 6:00 pm last night, again I was in so much pain. So, I called my on-call doctor, and she called me back shortly after. I explained to her my circumstances and at first she didn't seem overly worried.

She told me I could wait a few more days and see what happens or she could prescribe me a medication that would complete my miscarriage if it wasn't already. She asked if I had been given an ultrasound after the miscarriage and I said no. Her knowing that made her a little more concerned. She called in some medication and told me to go pick it up and to do both rounds. If my miscarriage wasn't complete I would go back to heavier bleeding, and continue to pass clots.

As I am waiting for my meds at the pharmacy, I decide to ask a couple more questions on the medication. They told me to take the second dose if I needed it. So, I said "Well, how will I know if I need it or not?" The response I receive is..."Oh you'll know!" I then asked them a few more questions and they were unable to give me any answers. In other words the damn pharmacist had no idea what in the hell she was talking about! I was so frustrated I just paid for my pills and left.

When I got home I was very hesitant and anxious to be taking more pills. I have been in so much pain, the thought of triggering more pain was a lot for me to handle. After speaking with Dustin and him doing some research, I took a pain pill and then took the first dose.

Thankfully, my miscarriage was incomplete. After very little sleep last night, I was able to confirm that was the problem and am doing better. I took my final dose at 9a.m. and at this point am feeling better than I have in 6 days. The medication has triggered a headache and I am tired, but FINALLY my abdominal pain is nearly gone.

I am anxiously awaiting getting back to work, and moving on with my life. It has been one hell of a ride.

Rough Day

***This could be a little graphic. I am documenting my feelings and events of my miscarriage.***

On Monday, I had this overwhelming feeling that my pregnancy was over. I was scheduled for our ultrasound today, but truly felt like they were going to tell me nothing was there except a sac. With that feeling came a lot of heartache of what I was going to do. I really struggled with the idea of starting a miscarriage but the idea of continuing to be pregnant with nothing there and risking infection scared me just as much. I mentally was having a very difficult time deciding what it was we would do.

I called my mother in law Monday afternoon and asked her if we could send Carter to Logan on Tuesday. I just said we would then play it by ear, as to what the ultrasound showed, as to when he would come home. She was more than happy to take him and that was a relief.

Tuesday early afternoon, I started spotting, and became pretty positive I would be losing the baby here shortly. I sent Carter to Logan, started researching what to expect with a miscarriage, called my sister and asked her, and began to mentally prepare for it.

Last night at about 9:40, the color changed and it became more evident we would be miscarrying that night. I went to bed, and about 1:20 woke up and went to the restroom, where I began miscarrying. It was pretty painless and I was at peace with it. My sister had kind of explained everything to me that was going on and things were going smoothly. I ran to Wal-Mart and then came home and crawled back into bed to watch a movie.

At about 3:00 am, everything changed. All the sudden I was bleeding so heavily it sounded like a faucet was turned on. I was passing a lot of clots, and in quite a bit of pain. I woke Dustin up and he immediately took me to the Emergency Room at IMC.

I walked in, explained to them what was happening and they took me straight back. I immediately had nurses and doctors beginning to take care of me and make sure I was okay. At this point I was bleeding so heavily, every time my heart beat, I could feel blood come out.

I ended up having an ultrasound that showed I still had a gestational sac. Once I got back the doctors were able to vacuum and help clean things out. I lost a lot of blood and at one point they were preparing me for a transfusion. However, we discussed not giving one to me unless it became life threatening, and after much medication and the doctors truly working on getting my body to slow down they were able to avoid the transfusion.

Once the bleeding and clotting had slowed, they monitored me for about 45 minutes, and decided I could go home. When I stood up to start getting ready I lost all my color and felt like I was going to pass out. I instantly was in so much pain, I couldn't move and very nauseated. So, as I sat in the bathroom the nurse had to come in and give me more pain meds and an anti-nausea. As I walked back to my bed, my world was going in and out of black, and I was sick.

They decided to draw more blood and make sure I now didn't need a transfusion. At one point my blood pressure was 88/39. They had me move around and were able to get it to 104/60. That was a little scary. The pain remained excruciating for another half hour or so, and then all the sudden things calmed down.

I was released from the hospital close to noon, and given specific directions about resting. I am not to go back to work until Monday, and need lots of fluids. I came home and ate soup and then fell asleep for a few hours.

How am I doing? Honestly, mentally I am doing better than I thought. There was no embryo in my sac, which means a baby never formed. I find great comfort in knowing that, and knowing there was nothing there that I lost. The emotion of losing the pregnancy has been rough, but I think in my heart of hearts, after my first ultrasound I knew it was over. So, the last two weeks I have been grieving, and now I am doing okay. I am ever so grateful that my body decided to miscarry naturally. I think if I would have had to make the decision, it would have haunted me as to what I did for a long time. That is really good for me.

Physically, I am still in a lot of pain. I am exhausted and feel like I have been put through the ringer. I had a very severe miscarriage, and it was much more painful and scary then I thought it would be. Now that it is over, I feel like I will heal quickly and be okay.

I believe I have the most amazing husband in the world. I know today was very scary for him and unnerving as there was nothing he could do but watch as I was in so much pain and having doctors trying to determine what to do. He stood by my side the entire time and made sure I received the best service in his power. He has pampered me unconditionally today and has continued to show me everlasting love. While I was having procedures performed, he was on the phone making sure my classroom was taken care of, substitute arrangements were made, principals called, etc. He handled everything today.

Thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so incredibly supportive. The past 7 weeks have been a hell of an emotional roller coaster. I don't think I had any idea what it would all be bringing, but I don't think this was it. I can only hope, my body heals quickly and we are able to end this short chapter of our life soon. Thank you again for the love, you have all made it easier to help cope with our loss.

Well...Hmmmm!!!!

Yesterday was my first doctor appointment since I found out we were pregnant. I was so excited and couldn't wait to hear fetus's heartbeat and see the little body! Dustin went with me and we were ready!

My doctor came in and asked me all of the regular questions. We discussed my medications, previous surgeries, celebrated the fact I was finally pregnant, and discussed different delivery options due to my medical problems. My doctor has been with me for five years and know's me very well, so it was very nice to be celebrating this little miracle with her.

It was then time for the ultrasound!!! She comes in and starts to do the tummy ultrasound. She is searching and says here is your bladder, uterus, and this is your sac. Then she continues to stroll around. At that moment the whole atmosphere of the room changed. She asked me to lay my head flat, to relax my tummy muscles and then started pressing down a little harder. I said,"Lisa, is everything okay?" And she says "just hold on Linds."

A few more minutes passed and she tells me she is going to do a vaginal ultrasound. So, she preps that and then starts searching again. She is taking measurements and the look on her face is very serious. So, again, I say, "Lisa, what is wrong?" After another minute or two this is her answer.

-"Linds, you have a sac. So, there is no doubt you are pregnant. However, the problem I am having is that I can't see a fetus. So, this means one of two things. One you may only be six or seven weeks along. Your sac has no abnormalities, which is good, and if your dates are off then the sac would be correct. If it is the other one, then that means you got pregnant without a fetus forming."

So, I ask, "What does all that mean, are my symptoms of the pregnancy all in my head?" Lisa says, "No, either way you are definitely pregnant, we just don't know if when the egg and spern fertilized an embryo didn't form, just tissue, or if it is just to little and we can't see it."

I say, "Okay, what does all this mean?" She comes back with this, in the most loving voice. "Linds, it means we have to wait. I am going to do some blood work and see if your levels are where they are supposed to be. Unfortunately, we will not have the results until after Christmas. Once we have those, we will wait 2-4 more weeks and then schedule another ultrasound. From there, if there is a fetus, we continue going with a regular pregnancy. If there is still no fetus we will either cause a miscarriage or you will have a DNC."

As I sat there taking all this in, trying to be brave and not tear up, my sweet husband says, "You have to tell Lindsey what the odds are here! I know her and she will sit and obsess about this unless she knows!" And my doctor knowing this as well, simply says, "I am so sorry, I have no idea. All we can do is wait and find out."

She steps out of the room for me to dress and the tears start to come. Dustin tries to give me loves but I know that I will completely fall apart if he does. So, I get dressed and wait for my doctor to come back in. She came back in with a lab order and says, "I will call you as soon as I know what the blood work says." I wish her a Merry Christmas, and go next door to the lab.

They took 10 viles of blood yesterday, that is the most I have ever had taken at one time. The rest of my day was kind of shot to hell. I am trying so hard to be brave, but it is so hard. I am praying for the best, I just don't know how realistic it is. I have know I am pregnant for 5 1/2 weeks and just don't know if the 6-7 week pregnancy is realistic.

So, bottom line...I am at hurray up and wait. I hate that part, but just pray fetus shows up next time!

So Far...Not to Bad!

I am currently 8 weeks pregnant, two days away from 9, and so far, I have been very lucky. I am feeling pretty good and able to function for the most part normally!

I am not suffering from tons of morning sickness, which is very nice. I was worried about it, but I have now had a couple rough days and think that everything is just fine. However, the one problem I am having is with my back.

I have had 19 inches of medal rods in my back since I was 15 and for the most part, it truly hasn't given me much grief. I always have spasms during the winter but nothing some muscle relaxers won't take care of...UNTIL YOU ARE PREGNANT!

I hadn't really thought much about having my rods and being pregnant being a problem. However, this last weekend due to the weather, being pregnant, and serious spasms, I am starting to worry a little about how my body will handle the pregnancy.

I believe right now I am dealing with my siatic(?) nerve because I have pain from my back to my toes, but I am not really sure. I have so many questions to talk with my doctor about, that I feel like 2 more weeks is forever away! I just want to know what my options are and if having this baby vaginal is even an option or should we just opt straight for a c-section?

So many questions and only time will tell. I am looking forward to the doctors. My first appointment is on the 23rd of this month, and I am praying I get to have an ultrasound and hear my fetus's heartbeat. I am still in such shock that we are pregnant and am ever so grateful everyday that I am experiencing this part of motherhood.

Anyway, hopefully Week 9 is just as good!