Rough Day

***This could be a little graphic. I am documenting my feelings and events of my miscarriage.***

On Monday, I had this overwhelming feeling that my pregnancy was over. I was scheduled for our ultrasound today, but truly felt like they were going to tell me nothing was there except a sac. With that feeling came a lot of heartache of what I was going to do. I really struggled with the idea of starting a miscarriage but the idea of continuing to be pregnant with nothing there and risking infection scared me just as much. I mentally was having a very difficult time deciding what it was we would do.

I called my mother in law Monday afternoon and asked her if we could send Carter to Logan on Tuesday. I just said we would then play it by ear, as to what the ultrasound showed, as to when he would come home. She was more than happy to take him and that was a relief.

Tuesday early afternoon, I started spotting, and became pretty positive I would be losing the baby here shortly. I sent Carter to Logan, started researching what to expect with a miscarriage, called my sister and asked her, and began to mentally prepare for it.

Last night at about 9:40, the color changed and it became more evident we would be miscarrying that night. I went to bed, and about 1:20 woke up and went to the restroom, where I began miscarrying. It was pretty painless and I was at peace with it. My sister had kind of explained everything to me that was going on and things were going smoothly. I ran to Wal-Mart and then came home and crawled back into bed to watch a movie.

At about 3:00 am, everything changed. All the sudden I was bleeding so heavily it sounded like a faucet was turned on. I was passing a lot of clots, and in quite a bit of pain. I woke Dustin up and he immediately took me to the Emergency Room at IMC.

I walked in, explained to them what was happening and they took me straight back. I immediately had nurses and doctors beginning to take care of me and make sure I was okay. At this point I was bleeding so heavily, every time my heart beat, I could feel blood come out.

I ended up having an ultrasound that showed I still had a gestational sac. Once I got back the doctors were able to vacuum and help clean things out. I lost a lot of blood and at one point they were preparing me for a transfusion. However, we discussed not giving one to me unless it became life threatening, and after much medication and the doctors truly working on getting my body to slow down they were able to avoid the transfusion.

Once the bleeding and clotting had slowed, they monitored me for about 45 minutes, and decided I could go home. When I stood up to start getting ready I lost all my color and felt like I was going to pass out. I instantly was in so much pain, I couldn't move and very nauseated. So, as I sat in the bathroom the nurse had to come in and give me more pain meds and an anti-nausea. As I walked back to my bed, my world was going in and out of black, and I was sick.

They decided to draw more blood and make sure I now didn't need a transfusion. At one point my blood pressure was 88/39. They had me move around and were able to get it to 104/60. That was a little scary. The pain remained excruciating for another half hour or so, and then all the sudden things calmed down.

I was released from the hospital close to noon, and given specific directions about resting. I am not to go back to work until Monday, and need lots of fluids. I came home and ate soup and then fell asleep for a few hours.

How am I doing? Honestly, mentally I am doing better than I thought. There was no embryo in my sac, which means a baby never formed. I find great comfort in knowing that, and knowing there was nothing there that I lost. The emotion of losing the pregnancy has been rough, but I think in my heart of hearts, after my first ultrasound I knew it was over. So, the last two weeks I have been grieving, and now I am doing okay. I am ever so grateful that my body decided to miscarry naturally. I think if I would have had to make the decision, it would have haunted me as to what I did for a long time. That is really good for me.

Physically, I am still in a lot of pain. I am exhausted and feel like I have been put through the ringer. I had a very severe miscarriage, and it was much more painful and scary then I thought it would be. Now that it is over, I feel like I will heal quickly and be okay.

I believe I have the most amazing husband in the world. I know today was very scary for him and unnerving as there was nothing he could do but watch as I was in so much pain and having doctors trying to determine what to do. He stood by my side the entire time and made sure I received the best service in his power. He has pampered me unconditionally today and has continued to show me everlasting love. While I was having procedures performed, he was on the phone making sure my classroom was taken care of, substitute arrangements were made, principals called, etc. He handled everything today.

Thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so incredibly supportive. The past 7 weeks have been a hell of an emotional roller coaster. I don't think I had any idea what it would all be bringing, but I don't think this was it. I can only hope, my body heals quickly and we are able to end this short chapter of our life soon. Thank you again for the love, you have all made it easier to help cope with our loss.