A Letter...

Dear Angel-Baby,

Today was my due date. Here or pretty close to now, I would have been meeting you. I would have gotten to introduce you to the world, and been so excited for all the world has in store for you. However, my God has bigger plans for you, and a different plan for us.

I won't lie, there hasn't been a day since I lost you, I haven't thought about you. A week where I haven't thought about the milestones we would be making. Finding out your sex, feeling you move, picking you a name, decorating a bed, and preparing Carter for his new baby sibling.

I have had multiple friends get to bring their baby into the world this spring and summer. And each time one does, I can't help but be sad we aren't bringing you into the world soon too. I would love for you to have had all these play buddies and friends to grow up next to.

I am much more at peace with losing you then I was 27 weeks ago. I still don't understand it all, but that is okay, I don't think I necessarily am supposed to. I just have to look at it as another bump in my life's journey and move on.

Before I do, I wanted you to know, I remember you. I am grateful for the few days I got to know what it was like to be pregnant. I am so grateful for being able to call my family and friends, after so many trials, and tell them I was expecting. I am so appreciative of the few weeks we had together. You taught me what it was like, for a little while, to be on this side of being a mom. I now have a little more empathy for how tired one gets, or the morning sickness, or the idea of my belly button hurting. So, thank you.

I love you. It may sound a little weird because who knows at what point you stopped growing or even if you grew at all. But to me, you were so real. I was so excited to get to be your mom. I loved you with every peice of me and was going to do whatever I needed to bring you here safely. Thank you again for letting me know so many of those different feelings I had never felt.

In the end, thank you for everything, even the leaving. I now have a better understanding of what it is like for a woman to lose her pregnancy. I can empathize with them and understand how much it hurts. As mom's, as soon as we see that + sign, we love the little fetus we are growing, with every ounce of our body. It is immediately real, and immediately something we cling to, change for, and protect. I now understand all of those feelings.

Thank you for the experience of letting me get to be your mom, for 13 weeks. I loved it and will always remember the feelings those short weeks brought.

Happy Birth-day Angel Baby!

Love Always and Forever,

Your Mom